Friday, April 27, 2012
Preface: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. He’s my first love.
Now, he’s one of my best friends, if not my very best friend. We spent this past Christmas together, which was the first time either of us had ever spent it away from our families. He invited me to go on his family’s reunion cruise. He got a job as a counselor at the same sleep away summer camp as me for this July and August. We go to college in different states now, and he used some of the inheritance money he received from his recently deceased grandmother to come down here and visit me. He’s been nothing but a wonderful, loving boyfriend, and I can’t imagine not marrying this kid one day and having all his babies. He frequently talks about when we’re going to get married. We even almost went to city hall one day last summer on a whim. He has this whole little plan about how he’s going to get the money to buy me a ring and a house for us and how we will effectively live happily ever after. He gets me in a way I’ve yet to experience with anyone else, and I honestly feel like we truly love each other.
Problem: We’re both 22. We both drink. Sometimes we drink a lot. Sometimes when we both drink a lot, we argue. But sometimes, when he drinks too much, the night ends in him choking me. It’s not every time he gets too drunk, but it’s happened more than once. Maybe 7 times in the entirety of our relationship. The last time he blacked out, he punched me repeatedly in the head, and my hearing is still recovering. He woke up in the morning completely unaware. He’s admitted to having a drinking problem for years now. I proposed a break after the last time he hurt me for him to decide if he’s really ready to make the changes necessary to ensure that blacking out and choking me never happens again.
Question: How big of a mistake am I making? I’m not stupid. I’m a college senior at one of the most prestigious universities in the country. I am well aware of the statistics in this country about domestic violence in this country, specifically in the Black community, and I know that logically, I should have left after the very first time. Even if we were both drunk. It doesn’t matter. And, I know that the popular opinion is that if I stay with him, he could potentially kill me one day. But am I so wrong in thinking that an abusive alcoholic can become a recovering abusive alcoholic? Or am I too first love drunk to objectively view the situation?
I think it’s the fact that it has only happened when he or both of us have been obliterated that I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. Plus, we have literally never fight sober. We don’t argue sober. We either agree or compromise through communication. The drunken nights, though severe, are my only qualm about the relationship. And he’s seen me through some dark times in my life. I don’t want to give up on him. I know in my heart that he’s not this guy. So, I guess, what do you think?
I’ve never told anyone that before. I can’t tell anyone, honestly. I guess I’m just hoping for some sort of outside opinion. – Punch Drunk Love
You can read my response, HERE: http://bossip.com/578517/dear-bossip-when-my-boyfriend-drinks-he-chokes-beats-me-but-hes-not-like-that-sober/
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Well, I have been with this dude for about 4 years. He’s everything to me, and he has been there through thick and thin.
I always had his back whenever he got locked up. He is only 8 years younger than me. I have 7 children, but only one of them is his. He works on a garbage truck and every morning I wake up at 3:00am to take him to work, but he doesn’t help with the bills or provide for his child at ALL! Not to include that I have to do everything on my own with no job. I pay his phone bill, and I support his habit (smoking).
So, last year I found out he was talking to another girl and she claimed that she is pregnant by him, which means she should be about 8 months pregnant now. So, about a week ago I get a random message on Facebook. This girl tells me that she knows where I stay, she knows what kind of car I drive, and that she’s seen us leaving together before.
She says that she is confused because he is supposed to be her boyfriend, and he tells her that I’m dropping him off at his mom’s house. Soon as I confronted him with this information he told me that the girl is lying, so I forgave him. A few days passed and he proposed to me. So, I am confused on if I should spend the rest of my life with this man or if he is not worth it at all. – Ms. Love Me Some Him
You can read my response, HERE:
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I recently got out of a two year relationship because the distance was causing a big problem (I’m in the Air Force and stationed away from home), along with the fact that I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused by my ex. Things got so bad between us I had two miscarriages and tried to take my life from an overdose. I was in the hospital for two weeks. I know that was stupid now that I look back on it so no need to say it, even though I know you will.
I’ve met a couple of men after this bad relationship and things were going smooth, but I found myself pushing them away when things were going good because I’m afraid to get hurt again. I mean I would start arguments over nothing. I guess I didn’t want to be the one to end things. I wanted the dirt on their hands. Hell, I can’t even bring myself to save a guy’s number in my phone. I feel like I’ve let my guard down if I even do that.
I wasn’t dumb enough to jump back in a relationship after that bad one because I had to get back to loving me, and I’ve done that. I know to never let any man become the focal point of my life to where I feel like nothing without them. I’ve met someone new and things have been going good. We have been getting to know each other for about three months now and WE HAVE not slept together nor has he tried to. Now, my girls only tell me that he hasn’t tried because, “he’s getting it from somewhere else,” and “you’re only 21, why won’t you just have fun with people. Why do you want to be tied down?”
He has a lot going for him. He is in the military too and in school. He admires the things that no one else has ever noticed about me. He even says he knows I have my guard up, and I try to start arguments to push him away (I am working on stopping that, I swear!) and he says he doesn’t pay attention to me when I do that. He let’s it roll of his shoulders. I find myself doing it less and less. BUT, there’s a catch, he’s going through a divorce and has three kids. He has tried to introduce me to them but I declined. I don’t want to meet them if it’s not something serious. He always says things like, “I think you will be a good step-mom.” I know that right there should have been my sign to run for the hills, but I don’t know if I should. Yes, he is technically someone else’s, but there is something there. I need help and some advice. Is this a recipe for another heartbreak or could I be staring my future in the eye? UGH HELP ME!!!! – Is He The One
You can read my response, HERE: http://hellobeautiful.com/2511624/relationship-divorced-marriage/
I am a 31-year old black woman who have had my share of fawkery with men.
I have had good and bad relationships with men, but who has not hit a few bumps in the road? I met a guy a few weeks ago and he seemed okay. I asked him from the beginning if he had a girlfriend and he said no. So, upon our first date, I was able to get his whole government name. Mind you, he is 34, has two jobs, a vehicle, but he stays with his sister. Yes, the sister thing is what got me too. All in all I asked him three times if he had a girlfriend and each time he said no.
So, I did my private investigation and found that he has had two evictions and a domestic violence charge he made against a female. Okay, not too much eyebrow raising, but here’s the big whammy. I looked him up on Facebook, and, lo and behold, his profile picture is with him and a woman. Trust me even a blind man can see that they are more then just friends.
He says he works at night and can call, but never does and only calls in the daytime. He has stood me up twice and that’s when I decided to investigate. I normally do a background check anyway on a guy, but I had been a little busy. I am a mom so I try to be careful with any guy I meet. I texted the picture of them together and you know he had the nerve to lie again and say he didn’t get it. Needless to say, I let him know that I know my worth as a woman and will not allow him to mistreat me in anyway. More than anything, I can’t stand a damn liar. So my question is was I wrong for investigating? – Snooping On Him
You can read my response, HERE: http://bossip.com/577453/dear-bossip-i-didnt-trust-him-so-i-investigated-learned-he-has-a-domestic-violence-charge/#.T5gZNeyFtaI.facebook
I have been with the same man for the last 10 years. We lived together for 6 years and have been engaged for 2 ½ years.
I recently found out he has a one year old son, which I found out from a stranger. And, when I confronted him he said it was true. His whole family knew about the child and they have seen the child.
I am still in love with him, but we are not together now we have separated because of this. I feel betrayed, but I know the child is innocent in all of this. He claims he is not in love with the mother of the child and that it was just casual sex.
I never had a great relationship with his mother because she was always in our business and she was very overprotective of him. She encouraged me to move on and leave her son alone, but he is very frustrated and has lost his job. I am trying to be a friend to him because he is going through a very rough time. He insists we remain friends, but I still love him because I knew the feelings he had while we were together were true.
Should I abandon him when he needs me because of what he did to me and move on with my life? Or, should I just ignore him and let him feel the karma which came back to haunt him? I know it is impossible for us to be together in the future because my family hates him and I cursed his mother when I found out she knew about the child. Please help. – To Be His Friend Or Not
You can read my response, HERE: http://bossip.com/575391/dear-bossip-i-left-him-after-i-learned-he-had-a-1-year-old-child-now-he-wants-us-to-be-friends/#.T5FqyfNcYM4.facebook
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Dear Gay Best Friend,
How does one break up with a man that one is not even casually dating? Let me explain. The guy in question is my sister’s nephew-in-law, her sister-in-law’s son (55). All family activities are held at my sister’s house (her pool is larger than mine). This guy’s family members are constantly trying to MAKE me not only go out but MARRY him. Why, one might ask? Simply, I am 43, post divorce 20 years and have not been in a serious relationship since 2005. Further, I am a single mom with 2 kids 17 and 19 away at university, and am a homeowner with an empty nest.
This man corners me at every family event for hours until I just excuse myself. I show him no emotions that I am interested. No flirting. I even make it impossible for him to sit next to me. He just counters and sits on the floor blocking my freedom staring at me. No conversation, nothing. I if move, he follows. He followed me to the bathroom once. He calls my sister’s house everyday to see if I am there. If I am he asks to speak to me. If I refuse, he jumps in MOMMY’S car and rushes over to force conversation. I leave. I do not return his phone calls. I do not accept his gifts.
This man has the audacity to show up at the movie theater every Friday night because he KNOWS that is where I go for family night with my boys. I have asked him to stop calling to no avail. I changed my number. I have asked him to stop the gifts of bootlegged properties but he leaves gifts at sis’s. I have done nothing to lead this man to my path. He is obsessed with photos texted to him by my sister, my brother-in-law, and his mother. I have told him those photos were not sent by me. It is awful, unwanted, unwarranted photos of me taken without my permission. Some are swimsuit shots, butt shots, shots with my back ALWAYS to the camera doing ordinary things. Some might find these photos provocative, I am fit and look much younger than I am. However, I do not pose for these photos, and I protest their submission. My relatives know that I do not like this man and this man knows that I want no further contact. Sometimes, I don’t go to the family events just to avoid him.
I do not want to get a restraining order because that would cause a family schism with the in-law set. I have face to face refused his offers. My kids have refused his expensive gifts. I am sorry his family has romanticized some relationship for him but I told him I am not the originator of the photos. I have told him that he WAS a family friend but I CHOOSE to not interact with him at all to remove any doubt that there is any implied relationship. He accused me of hiding from him. I told him I was not hiding but totally avoiding his contact because I am not interested. He was mad and still is. He still calls my sister frequently, daily just to see if “I am doing ok, and oh, by the way, is she there, if she is don’t tell her I called, don’t tell her I am coming over.”
Maybe it is not his fault that his relatives have fed him wrongly obtained information. Private information. Detailed information that could possibly make someone INFER that a relationship is possible and maybe even casually exists…. It is not MY fault. I read your publications and the comments to well posed questions. Most think the answer to my question is don’t return the calls or text. I did an in person break up to someone I was not even dating. I changed my number as well as email address. I even closed out with YouTube and facebook. I cannot ask my brother-in-law who was my brother-in-law (65) before I was born to ban his nephew anymore than I can end a relationship with my sister (65).
I do not wish to get a restraining order either. I did that option against the 25 year old son of my next door neighbor after repeatedly asking my neighbor to speak to her son about his stalking and unwanted advances from a child. Big mistake. When I found him sleeping on my deck, I called the authorities, he was arrested, making some of my neighbors mad at me. His reasoning was that he was returning some ‘important misplaced mail’ to me and that he didn’t want to get in trouble for ‘messing’ with my mailbox so he went to sleep waiting on my property for me to return. He hung himself when he told the court that I was not married and that I spent 2 hours a day by my pool in a bikini swimming and grilling on purpose. Plus, my home is surrounded by privacy fencing (You would need binoculars or a spy cam because our properties are not close together).
No, I am not looking for woe is me, yada, yada,…etc. I would like to know from a male standpoint what words would make a man understand that:
1. I do not want to ever pursue a relationship with you
2. We can not even be family friends because you would misconstrue this
3. I avoid contact with you to basically to keep you from being mad at me
4. Just because I am single does not mean I am available to anyone who is interested
No, I do not think I am all that. Yes, I do not want to hurt or make anyone mad; however, I am unhappy in trying to be nice and keep everyone else happy. So…Tell Me Like It Is (Please and Thank You). And I will work on me! – Not Interested In Him
You can read my response, HERE:
I have a friend, lets call her “KIKI,” and we have been friends since high school.
We are both 30, but I’m tired of her behavior especially towards her ex boyfriend’s current girlfriend.
Let me give you a little back ground. Several years back, she was dating and living with this guy, but her family didn’t like him because he was not well established. I think he was a plumber or carpenter with some kind of construction job. Anyway, that wasn’t good enough for her mom. Whenever she would come to visit she would be extremely rude to him, or make comments like, “Where did you get that purse? I know he didn’t buy it because he is broke.” Mind you, as far as I know all their bills where paid. So, because of this she started to treat the guy bad, and eventually told him that she didn’t want to date him anymore, even though they were still living together.
Then, the guy met a girl and told my friend he met someone new and was interested in dating her. My friend flew off the handle. She started stalking the girl on Facebook and going to parties and events that she knew the girl would be at. All this time we were going out I didn’t know it was because of her trying to get info on this girl. She even started to spread rumors about the girl saying she was cheating with her man. Yes, the same guy she didn’t want to date because he was broke. It got to the point where the guy eventually broke their lease and paid a penalty just to get away from her and moved in with the girl. That’s when she went even more nuts and started pursuing the girl’s best friend baby daddy, who has the worst reputation in the area as a deadbeat and a trouble maker. I tried to warn her but she didn’t listen, especially due to the fact that her mom loved him when she first met him because he was well-dressed and drove a nice car (which turned out to be another girl’s car), He doesn’t even have a job. He is no better than she is because he helps her instigate stuff.
One night, she convinced me to go out with her because I hadn’t been out with her for a while, due to all the drama surrounding her, and when we get there they spent the whole night harassing the girl, walking past her and bumping her, or accidentally on purpose stepping on her foot. So, I left and didn’t speak to her for about two weeks. When she called me she told me that she was pregnant by the guy whom she had only been seeing maybe two months, turns out this was his third baby and third baby mama. You would think she was happy because this was her first child, but no she wasn’t because she thought her ex was going to be mad that she got pregnant by the guy. She couldn’t wait until she was showing. She took all sorts of pics and tagged her ex in them on Facebook. Then, she moved the bum baby daddy in her apartment. That’s when her mom and everybody found out he was basically homeless, had no job, and the car wasn’t his. Basically all he has are clothes and shoes that other women bought him.
My problem is that after they had the baby she got worse than ever. She called me crying about the guy, and that the baby needs this and that. So, I went out and bought the baby diapers, clothes, and other stuff because I feel like she is innocent in all of this. The baby daddy doesn’t even claim her baby and is always telling people he’s only with her because she’s stupid and will let him do what he wants. And, he says that she is a fool if she thinks he is going to marry her because she’s ugly and has no self-esteem. Then, I find out that she is using her paycheck to support her baby daddy’s shopping habit. So, I called her and cussed her out, and she started crying on the phone and saying her ex and his girlfriend ruined her life.
It’s been three years and she’s still obsessed with the girl, Anytime we go anywhere and she sees her, she goes out of her way to criticize her or get her attention so she can roll her eyes. I’m tired of this. Even though we have been friends for over 15 years I am not one for the drama and I can’t deal with this. I can never go anywhere with her without her making it about this other chick. And, the worst part is that the girl totally ignores her. I have talked to her and told her that this behavior is not acceptable. But, should I give her a chance to change after I’ve given her so many already. – Sick And Tired Of The Drama
You can read my response, HERE:
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I need help. I met this guy on a dating site and I have fallen in love with him.
I really don’t believe he feels the same way. I spend days at a time at his house cooking and cleaning up his apartment. He tells me he misses me, but I really think he misses me cooking and cleaning for him because his house is always a hot mess when I come back. And to make matters worst I recently went back on the dating site only to find he is still active on it. Also, he told me he wish he could date his female best friend. I’m at a cross roads with him. He frequently tells me he does not have a girl friend, which includes me, yet, he encourages me to spend time with his mother. I’m at the point of just walking away. – Feeling Like A Housemaid
You can read my response, HERE: http://bossip.com/573861/dear-bossip-i-cook-and-clean-for-him-but-he-tells-me-that-he-doesnt-have-a-girlfriend/
Monday, April 16, 2012
I have been in a relationship with this guy for 7 going on 8 months.
We’re in love and almost inseparable. Like any other guy I’ve dated, he has these unbearable mood swings. He gets mad at me for his unfortunate events. As a girlfriend I find it necessary to be there for him even when he pushes me away.
Yesterday, however, I don’t think I’m in a healthy relationship. Let me start out by saying every outfit I wear its all for him. I wore a form fitting outfit with 4-inch heels. Living in Georgia it gets hot and I can’t wear pants all the time. Plus, I’m a girly-girl who loves clothes. He ignored me the entire day, and when we went out I wanted to hold hands and he pulled away from me every time. Later that day, he texted me and told me I looked like a hoe and embarrassed him. To my knowledge nothing on me was revealing, and my outfit appeared to be sophisticated. I apologized to him, and then he texted me back telling me I looked good and that I was prone for guys to approach me and talk to me. He then told me that I need to leave him, and if I don’t then he would cheat on me so we could be even. Mind you, I have never cheated on him.
Afterward, he continued to state that he doesn’t trust any of his girlfriends. I don’t know what his problem is or why he doesn’t want to trust me. My phone has nothing but his number and a few relatives, and he has the password to everything. I have nothing to hide, so why won’t he trust me? – Don’t Understand Him
You can read my response, HERE:
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am engaged to a man that loves me to death. But here’s the thing: We have been dating going on two years and engaged for almost a year. I met him through a mutual friend and we hit it off. He is a single dad of one and I am a single mother of three.
He is very controlling and doesn’t want me to hang out with my best friend. He says I’m his best friend and that we should hang out together. We hang out and we have fun when we do, however, I need that girl time. His job has him working odd hours so it is somewhat hard for us to hang out very much. I am off on weekends, however, he works late on weekends.
I just feel when we get married the controlling will get worse because I will be his wife. He loves me and my children as well as I love his child. Do you think I am making a mistake for wanting to marry someone so controlling? Also when he drinks he gets drunk and starts to talk -ish about different things, such as how he feels about my children’s father and my friends, etc… To me this is how he really feels but won’t say these things unless he has been drinking. Please help. – Not Sure I Want To Get Married
You can read my response, HERE: http://hellobeautiful.com/2510389/were-engaged-but-im-not-sure-i-want-to-get-married-because-hes-too-controlling/
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I am a 25-year old female who has been dating a 42-year old man.
We have been dating for about a year and a half. I am also a mother of two children. When me and this man first saw one another we knew we had to get to know one another. A little in to our relationship my youngest child developed some health issues that as a result, I lost hours at my job. And, in the end, I left my job, which my boy friend wanted me to leave any way. He wanted me to stay home and be a full-time mother.
All my extra money I had saved I put toward paying my bills some months in advance, because I didn’t know how long I would be out of work. Every thing was good for a couple of months. He would spend money on us when we went on trips, and paid for expensive meals for me and my kids. I am so thankful to have experienced things like that. But, after a while my bills were beginning to come in. My boyfriend, who now lives with me in my home, had his own house, but only went home 2 weekends out of the month. Push came to shove before I asked him to help pay a bill. And, when I asked him to help me he said that he had his own home and could not afford to pay bills for 2 homes. Then a week later he moved out.
I was unable to keep bills paid and had to move out of my home. We did not contact or speak to one another for 5 months. I assumed the relationship was over. And I was prepared to move on. Then, a month ago, he shows up out of the blue like every thing was ok. I admit I love him. But, I am not quite sure how to go about him and the situation. He now is doing better. He paid for me to get a new apartment. And, got my car fixed. I truly don’t know if I should trust what he is doing or just think maybe he now knows my worth. -Young and Dumb
You can read my response, HERE:
I have been on this dating/flirt website for about two years now. I get on there every so often and whenever I’m bored. That’s it. But, one day I got on there and was browsing through the different guys pictures and profiles and I came across this one sexy guy’s pictures and profile. I just had to get to know more about him because he was just that sexy to me.
We started sending each other messages back and forth and he told me some things about him, and I told him some basic things about me. I didn’t take him serious at first. It was just flirting, but then as we started sending each other more messages I was very eager to talk to him off of the site. So, I suggested we should exchange numbers. I sent him my number to let him know I am definitely interested in him and that I want to get to know more about him. His response was like, “I got you mami.” I asked why you can’t send me your number and he never actually gave me a direct response or an answer. So, I left it alone and didn’t even think nothing of it, and we just kept sending messages back and forth.
So, a year passed and we were still sending each other messages. At this point I’m still not really taking with him too serious. This year makes it two years and we still are sending each other messages. Long story short, we started talking about him wanting me to come see him and how he wants to see me in person, and I was like I would love to come see him and all but he hasn’t even given me his number yet, and never gave me a direct answer on why he couldn’t send me his number.
So, I said to him that I want to be able to hear his voice instead of us keep sending each other messages because now I’m really interested in him even more. So, I sent him my number for the second time and then I was waiting for him to send me his number, but, yet again his response was once again, “I got you mami.”
At this point my female intuition is in full force and I’m thinking the obvious, either he has a woman and they stay together, or he’s married. At this point that’s a red flag to me and he is not being real with me and not being honest with me, which I didn’t want to think the obvious of those options. Moral of the story is that I really want to go and visit him me and a few friends this summer, but the main issue/problem remains is that I do not have his number. I’ve told him that I’m not coming unless he produces/sends me his number, and he was like he was going to give me his number when I get ready to come.
Should I hold him to his word on that? I just want to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume the obvious. If I decide not to go, then I feel that I won’t get to at least find out in person if I can get my questions answered honestly. What is your honest opinion/advice on this issue/problem? Should I just leave the situation alone and delete my profile? What are the exact questions I should be asking him? – Undecided and Confused
You can read my response, HERE:
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
I have been in a relationship with my son’s father for 6 years.
I love him very much and am thankful he is not deadbeat father. But, I cannot say he is great boyfriend.
Terrance, this man asked me to marry him when our son was 6 months old, and of course I said yes. Six months later, I forgot my ring at home because I was running late for work, and I come home to, “I sold your ring, but I’ll get you a new one.” Mind you, he did it to pay the rent. But, I’m bitter as hell he did it without even telling me, and on top of that he hasn’t gotten me a new one, and we still haven’t gotten married.
A year later, we sat down and agreed we shouldn’t get married because I was having second thoughts, due to me finding out he had been sexting some old ass woman he had met at a bar when he was out with his best friend, AND, because we really weren’t getting along. We worked through that, and we’re in a much better place right now.
He says he wants to get married, and after a lot of miscommunication, partly because of my post-partum depression and his not understanding what I needed from him. But, I’m afraid he’s only telling me that to appease me. I don’t even know if I want to go through with it because he’s done so much shady stuff that I feel like even though we’re doing so much better. If he wanted to marry me, he should’ve gone through so much more to go ahead and get me another ring and set a date.
My question is should I bring it up (even just thinking about it is embarrassing to me, almost like I’m being needy) or just let it ride out? Am I wrong for being mad as hell he took my ring and hasn’t replaced it? Is it wrong that every time I see a woman with a ring it makes me feel so got damn bitter? Because Lord knows I deserve a got damn ring, BOTH an engagement and a wedding band. Should I even stay with him? How do I know he ain’t playing me anymore?- Confused And In Love
You can read my response, HERE:
Almost two years ago I met this guy while I was waiting on line at the store. We’d never spoken before, but I knew of him in high school and he had a history of bouncing from girl to girl.
He’s very good-looking, charming, ambitious, and somehow he finds a way to make extreme confidence look sexy (as Remy Ma would say, “He got a reason”). When he approached me I knew what to expect from a guy like him. I figured he had way too many options to feel the need to be a ONE woman kind of man, and we’re youngin’s in our 20’s, so I didn’t expect a wedding ring. After a six month relationship I was in prior to, I just wanted to have some fun. No-strings attached, exactly what his type wants surprise, surprise.
Four months into our “relationship,” he decides that HE wants a commitment, and I’m reluctant at first, but gradually I warm up to the idea—It’s not as if I was sleeping with anyone else, he just didn’t know that— and our relationship turns serious.
—-> Enter stage left: HIS CRAZY ASS EX!! And by ex I mean ex-plaything. They were never in a committed relationship and she couldn’t care less about me until she realized me and homeboy was getting serious. She schemed and manipulated and stirred the pot in every way she could, and he ended up cheating on me with her one night after we got into a huge fight about me, “not caring” (I can’t win with this one. If I ask 21 questions and attack every floosy on his Facebook flirting then I’m an angry-nagging black woman, but if I don’t get jealous and I trust the guy completely then it means I don’t give a -ish. WTF?!)
I didn’t find out about it until months later, but when I did I heard it from his best friend’s ex-girlfriend. She told me this right before letting me in on the fact that my now ex-boyfriend’s best friend– the one who always went out of his way to tease and clown me, had feelings for me, to the extent that she ended their relationship. The whole night was a soap opera in the making.
Now I’m sure you know exactly where this is going. I was upset and hurt when I found out, and on the night in question, more than a little drunk after the news. After I broke up with him and stormed out of the party, his best friend took me home . Tears led to hugging, that led to kissing, and we didn’t actually sleep together — I stopped it before it got that far–but he’s his BEST FRIEND of over 10 years, since childhood, so in a way I might as well have.
My ex has been begging me for another chance, and I love him. I really do. I understand that people mistakes — me with his BFF case & point—and, I’m willing to forgive him and work towards trusting him again, but I’m pretty sure he wont forgive me, or his best friend, for what almost happened. Even though we weren’t together at the time, I don’t think it matters.
I’ve accepted the double standard for myself, but I don’t want to be “the bitch” that ruined their friendship forever. But, I also don’t want to spend the next few years in the same room as them two without addressing it. They both have feelings for me and even if I did have a moment with his best friend –if I’m being completely honest, we have developed a close friendship over the past two years— My EX is the one I want to be with. Should I keep my mouth shut and hope his friend never says a word or confess? Is admitting a kiss really worth ruining two relationships permanently? Do you think my ex could get past it with either of us? – Ms. Damned If I Do Or Don’t
You can read my response, HERE:
Monday, April 9, 2012
I have struggled with writing this because I am a very private person.
But, you seem to be the only one on the net that keeps it real when it comes to advice, harsh at times, but all the way real. I don’t know what you may say to this email or what your response may be, but I am ready for some real not watered down advice.
So here goes: I met a man when I was in college, there was an event at my school held for the homeless and he was a volunteer. He was in the military. We hit it off well and began dating. He was truly one of the kindest men I have ever met. He was a single father of the cutest little girl. We dated for a year and I got to know him as well as his child, whom I grew to love. She let me practice on her hair and I fined tuned my mothering skills with her. It was a beautiful time in our lives.
We dated for a year and he asked me to marry him, and I did. I looked forward to being a stepmother and a wife. I didn’t marry him until I finished school, that was a goal I set for myself, and he was very understanding of that. We married and had a wonderful life; vacations, trips to see his family, and cookouts. Everything we did we did we did together. I worked all throughout the marriage. I took a break when we had our kids three years into the marriage. We had two little girls, two years apart, and I couldn’t have given my kids a better father.
I went back to work when he was about to retire from the military. Now, here is where things go bad. He had a very hard time finding a job, and he became withdrawn and depressed. He got a job offer in the state he was from. We lived in my hometown. He asked me if I would consider moving so he could work and be closer to his family. I agreed because he was happy and I wanted him to be happy. He was my husband and I trusted his decision-making. So, we sold our house that I truly loved, packed up the kids, and we hit the road. We quickly found a home. I started working, and he started working. He, myself, and our kids never wanted for anything.
His family members were very jealous of us. None of his sisters had a man, let alone a husband, so needless to say they gave me a very hard time. But, I did try to get along as best I could with his family. They were a group of mean-spirited people. So, I did keep my distance. They were not the type of women I wanted our kids to be around. Although I met them in the past, they never treated me that way. It changed once we moved there. So, my stepdaughter decided to follow in her dad’s footsteps, and she joined the military. She graduated and we brought her a cute modest car to get around in, and threw her a huge party. We were so proud.
The next day he was to drive her to see her mom’s side of the family. I got up, kissed her goodbye, kissed my husband, dropped the kids off at school, and I went to work. A few hours later my stepchild calls and said her dad told her that he was going to run an errand and he would be back shortly. I told her that I would call him. He didn’t answer his phone it went straight to voice mail. I began to worry, but I told her something must have come up. Then I get a call from the kid’s school saying that he didn’t pick them up. So, now I am in panic mode. He never deviated from our normal routine. He left my kids at school.
I get home, trying to keep myself calm, and I called the police, his job, and no one has seen him. So, I went looking for him, and couldn’t find him. A few hours later some woman calls my stepdaughter’s phone thinking it was mine, and told her to stop looking for her man and that my husband is her man now! My stepchild gave me the phone and the heffa repeated it! I told her to put my husband on the phone and she hung up. So, I called and called, and he answered. And, in the coldest voice I ever heard, he said stop calling I am not coming back! And, he hung up!
I was crushed and our children were devastated. We all cried. It was the worst moment in my kid’s young lives. How could this man do this to his family, and have no heart with no goodbye? Nothing! He was just gone. And, he didn’t care who he was hurting. I pulled myself together long enough to get my stepdaughter to her mom’s, and then I broke down in front of my kids at the airport.
I didn’t hear from him for two months. He gave me no money, and never called to so he could speak to his kids. I heard from him when he got the divorce papers and he was upset that I was asking for child support. I asked him why did he leave, and he said the lady he was with had a lot of money that her husband left her. She was an elderly woman. Yes, elderly! And, that he should be able to enjoy his retirement, but as long as he is with me he would always have to work. Now, at that point I let him have it ‘til he hung up! That low down dog! I divorced him and got a really good settlement. It was like taking candy from a baby. He did not know the law, but I did. I got half of his retirement plus child support, and I got to keep the house and my car. The list goes on. She then threw him out because his money was coming to me. He tried to come back, and I laughed in his face and called the police because he was acting a fool when I wouldn’t let him back in my home.
So, here is my question: Although I may have gotten the final Tee-Hee-Hee! I feel lost, and sad, and depressed. The life I built for my family, the man that I was in love with is gone. My kids don’t have a father anymore. His own child hates him. She messed around and got pregnant by a dead beat! I could go on, but this letter is long enough. I have watched this man destroy the light in our kid’s eyes that they once had. How can I move pass this? I don’t even have the strength to try and love again. He is trying to destroy me and my kids. I also want to mention that I am at the end of my rope and ready to pack my girls up and leave this place. But, I know it would be so hard to start over. I need to protect my kids from this man. I don’t know if you will post this, but I do hope you will share this with other men and women who have gone through something similar. Your advice is needed. – The Abandoned Wife
You can read my response, HERE:
Thursday, April 5, 2012
First of all, I want to say that I really love your brutal honest advice and I enjoy reading your blog.
Two years ago, I met this incredible young lady, and let’s just call her ‘Tina.’ We became friends and got along really well. She met this amazing guy and they decided to get married. Tina made me her maid of honor on her wedding day. Things were really good, and then she became pregnant mid last year. Unfortunately, she died in January this year as she was giving birth. She didn’t even get the chance to see her son, but fortunately the baby survived.
Now, here is the story: I have been hanging around the husband a lot, and on a friendship basis. He has been really nice to me, and I think I’m developing feelings for him. I think about him all the time, and I’m beginning to see him in a new light. He is so nice, and would actually make perfect husband material. I cannot see myself with any other man except for him. But, the other problem is he still talks about his wife a lot, maybe it’s because it’s just been four months. But, I have been dropping hints of interest and he is not even noticing. I also believe I can be a good mother to the child.
From reading your blogs, you always state that going after your friend’s man is a Big NO-NO. But, what if she is dead! Is it still a Big NO-NO? – In Love With Him
You can read my response, HERE:
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
I could really use your opinion about now.
I love my wife, but I feel like my marriage is in the beginning stages of the end. Here is the story: Three years ago my wife and I got married in our hometown. At the time I was not financially where I needed to be before I got married, but I loved my wife and I wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together.
After the wedding, we moved closer to my job and after a few months my wife found a good paying nursing job. Fast forward to early last year, my wife gives birth to our first child together and things are going good. In October, my wife was offered a job at the hospital in our town, we both commute back and fourth to work daily about 45 minutes to an hour drive. After getting offered the job, before my wife leaves her current job, she decides that she wanted to stay. I was heated, first the job was closer to home, it paid more, and it meant my wife wouldn’t have to get on the highway in her truck that needed major repairs. She always complained about all the drama that went on at her job, and I couldn’t understand why she would want to stay. Her reasons to leave outweighed her reasons to stay.
She didn’t want to give up her weekends and some holidays.
Her decision started an argument, which led us going to counseling the weekend of Thanksgiving. At the counselor, he advised me to support my wife, which I did. Fast forward last week her truck finally gives out. Now we are looking at $3,000 of repairs that we kind of don’t have. Then to top if off, in May we got a wedding to go to in Texas and we’re planning a family trip to Six Flags in June. We’ve already paid for the trip to Six Flags that also includes two other couples.
We don’t have the money to do both trips and repair her truck, but my wife is determined to do it all. The problem is I am starting to feel like she makes a lot of bad decisions. Since we were married she has been making bad decisions, and honestly I am tired of them. The decisions she makes are not about what’s best for her family, but more like what it is she wants to do. When we married my wife and I decided that we were going to get married at the courthouse, and then two years later do the wedding. But, her family decided since we weren’t able to financially to do a wedding then they would do it for us. As much as I argued about the finances and not starting our marriage with money problems we went a head and done so.
Three months after the wedding we filed chapter 13 bankruptcy, something I didn’t want to do, but done it to save my marriage. Because at the time we never argued but after the wedding we argued a lot and all the time about money. Now, here we are three years later, down one car, my car needs tires, and instead of doing what is best for us my wife is once again doing what it is she wants to do. Also, I stressed to my wife time and time again about getting her car fix, and when it broke the first time I had to go to my father for the money to have it repaired. Now, I am starting to feel like since she didn’t listen, and she made the mistake, then she needs to fix it.
And I am starting to really resent her family. No one has offered us any help, not even a dollar to buy a screw. But, they want to put money in for us to attend the wedding in Texas. But, nothing has been said about helping fix the car. I tried my best to keep from running into this mess but it didn’t help, and now I am mad. I am starting to feel like I get nothing I want out of my marriage. Besides a health baby boy, nothing has gone right. I refuse to go deeper in to debt and I refuse to continue cleaning up other people’s problems. I know you can’t predict problems in your life, but you can sure as hell keep from making them. I have tried talking to her, but she is starting to get so stubborn. Plus, the truck was added in the bankruptcy and we can’t trade it or sell it until the end of the bankruptcy. I love my wife, but I can do bad by myself. – Don’t Want To Be In Debt
You can read my response, HERE:
Monday, April 2, 2012
First I want to say that I L-O-V-E all of your advice.
And at this point, I could really use your brutal honesty.
My friend is being dumb (although I know she isn’t, she is acting like an idiot). She keeps asking me for advice about her current love dilemma, but I want to make sure I give her the right advice.
She and her husband are young, and her husband is a Marine currently deployed overseas. He visited his ex-boo before he deployed and wondered if there was anything still there, and decided to tell her. She decided right then and there to get a divorce, saying that she respected his honesty but didn’t know if she could trust him.
Now here is where I feel conflicted: She met another man, and he is a looser in every sense of the word. And I’m not even exaggerating. He told my hubby that he was (at one point) addicted to prescription medication, and my hubby swears that he’s homeless. I made my hubby dinner when my friend brought him to our house and my man swears that the man looked like he was ready to tear into his bowl of chili! Plus, I think it’s a little too weird that he is suddenly facing deportation back to Denmark if he doesn’t get his citizenship together before the end of the year. Hmmm…
Anyway, after talking with my hubby, I think that it would be a good idea for her to give some effort in trying to work out her marriage, as opposed to getting into a new relationship with someone she obviously does not know. Plus, she made the decision to divorce her hubby while he was deployed. I want to tell her to stay with her hubby, but then again, I want to just stay out of it. But it’s hard to do that when she keeps asking for my opinion.
So, before I slap some sense into her, can you give me some advice that I can give to her that would follow up my reality smack? Thank you in advance for your time. – Conflicted Friend
You can read my response, HERE: http://bossip.com/566513/dear-bossip-my-friend-keeps-asking-for-my-advice-about-her-relationships-i-want-to-knock-some-sense-into-her/