Saturday, February 9, 2013

Doo Wop (That Thing)...A Hip Hop Referendum on the Christian Ascetics of Virginity



Doo Wop (That Thing)...A Hip Hop Referendum on the Christian Ascetics of Virginity
By Terrance Dean
November 2, 2012

The practice of virginity has been an essential element of early Christianity asceticism. In particular for women, virginity has been “That Thing,” that way of life which proved their purity in an effort to reach an enlightenment and oneness with God. In the book, History of the World Christian Movement, authors Dale T. Irvin and Scott W. Sunquist posit how essential virginity was for the Christian movement and the rewards of it. “For the early Christian movement it was understood as a practice of self-discipline that freed the body from excessive attachment to the social and material world, and thus the pathway of holiness that enabled one to approach God.”[1]
Biblical stories have illustrated many biblical women, including Mary the mother of Jesus, who were willing to ‘hold it down’ for Christianity by maintaining their virginity. Two of today’s biggest female Hip Hop artists, Lauryn Hill, and Ciara have done the same rhyming about the sanctity of virginity in their songs, “Doo Wop (That Thing),” by Hill, and “Goodies,” by Ciara. Both songs are cautionary tales about the downsides of pre-marital sex, while exemplifying how practicing the asceticism of virginity empowers women. Their lyrics are positive messages of the power of self-discipline, as well as inspirational words for women to keep themselves holy and pure.  
In thematic comparative analysis, I explore how Hill’s and Ciara’s songs are modern day cautionary tales of the practice in virginity similarly to biblical scholars who often illustrated in their writings the teachings of virginity in early Christian asceticism.
Biblical scholars expressed how it was better for women to maintain their virginity, rather than live a life in sin and fall prey to the sexual pleasures of the body. Irvin and Sunquist posits, “Practices of self-denial that focused on moral control of bodily desires are generally called asceticism, and were the most prominent expression of such discipline in Christine life.”[2]
Exploring Hill’s song, she begins with a jarring introduction of a woman trying to find a man after she engaged in sexual intercourse with him. Hill sings, “It’s been three weeks since you’ve been looking for your friend, the one you let ‘hit it’[3] and never called you again.” Clearly, this relationship was illusive from the beginning as the woman hasn’t been able to locate the man she gave herself to. After sex he disappeared, and unfortunately it wasn’t enough to keep him. He obviously was after one thing from her. Had she waited and gotten to know her pursuer better, she would have realized his true interests. Her actions demonstrated a lack of self-discipline, and an inability of moral control over her bodily desires.  
Hill proceeds, “'Member when he told you he was ‘bout the ‘Benjamins’[4], you act like you ain’t hear him then gave him a little ‘trim.’”[5] Here, we see the woman is enamored by his wealthy status, which entices her to give herself to him. Irvin and Sunquist posit, “Virginity is the practice of self-discipline that freed the body from excessive attachment to the social and material world.”[6]  Hill references this precisely but the character in her analogy doesn’t adhere to it. Attachments to physical and material possessions were gateways to self-indulgence and self-pleasure. And, if one indulged in such adulations they would fall to temptation and lose sight of pleasing God. In Hill’s song she pointed this out to show how the woman’s attraction to the man’s material possessions and social standing lured her to equate value to her sexual worth, which was at the cost of her virginity.
Hill continues to rhyme effortlessly, “Plus when you give it up so easy you ain’t even fooling him, if you did it then, then you probably do it again, ‘talking out your neck’[7] sayin’ you’re a Christian, a Muslim sleeping with the Jinn, now that was the sin that did Jezebel in.”
Hill directly approaches Christianity with the line, “Talking out your neck sayin’ you’re a Christian.” She confronts the woman’s religious indignation accusing her of not upholding the values and virtues of Christian asceticism, particularly virginity. Irvin and Sunquist posit, “Chief among the pursuits that ascetics gave up were the physical pleasures associated with sexual relations and marriage. Celibacy was a means for women and men to free themselves from the social demands of marriage and family life, thereby freeing them for greater love and service of God.”[8] Hill used this maneuver to show how many will call themselves Christians, yet, they are not living Christian lives. Don’t proclaim to be a Christian, yet, when temptation arises the professing of religious identity is in direct contradiction to the practices, thus, calling into question its validity.
Continuing with lyrical precision, Hill uses historical biblical reference likening the woman to Jezebel -- “Muslim sleeping with the Jinn, now that was the sin that did Jezebel in.” One of the most deceptive biblical female characters, Jezebel, who worshipped Baal, was known as the woman who had Jewish prophets murdered, and misled the people of God into idolatry and sexual immorality. Her deceit and sexual promiscuity ultimately led to her death. Hill’s reference categorically relates the woman’s actions to a character whose sexual pervasion was the demise in her death. Ultimately, the same can happen to the woman in Hill’s illustration.
Approaching Ciara’s song, “Goodies,” she takes a no bars hold approach in addressing possible suitors about not giving up her ‘goodies.’[9] Ciara sings methodically, “I bet you want the goodies. Bet you thought about it. Got you all hot and bothered. Mad cause I talk around it. Looking for the goodies. Keep on lookin’ cuz they stay in the jar.” Ciara likens her virginity as ‘goodies’ being protected and sealed in a jar to that of a chastity belt and being locked up and protected. She’s wise that her suitor has thought about bedding her. She’s aware of his lustful desires searching for a way to get her into the bed. However, she prides herself in being able to discern his desires, thus, maintaining the asceticism of virginity and remaining pure.
Similarly, in the article St. Methodius: The Symposium A Treatise On Chastity, writer, Herbert Musuriollo, illustrates through fiction an imitation of Plato’s dialogue of the Symposium addressing the asceticism of virginity. The Symposium is a play, and the scene takes place with characters gathered for a dinner party. Through the characters, Musuriollo provides a manual on the Christine doctrine of the concept of chastity. He posits, “Virginity is something extraordinarily great, wonderful and glorious. To speak frankly in the manner of the Scriptures, this most beautiful, noble way of life alone is the Church’s sustaining bosom, her flower, her first fruits. This is the reason too, why our Lord, in that passage in the Gospels in which He instructs us in the various ways in which men have become eunuchs, promises that all who make themselves virgins will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”[10] Like Ciara’s character, she knows her virginity is something special, great, and wonderful. She’s aware that her ‘goodies’ is a flower, her first fruit, and she is not willing to give it away.
And, like Ciara’s character, Musuriollo shares what is expected of a virgin and how to protect herself. He posits, “The virgin should therefore always love what is right and good, and distinguish herself among those who are superior in wisdom. She must not be given to laziness and softness; but her life should be one of extreme excellence. She should ever keep her mind occupied with thoughts that befit her state of virginity and with her thinking wipe away the foul humors of sensuality, lest some small spot of corruption, overlooked, breed the worm of incontinence.”[11]
Ciara continues to sing with indignation, “Just because you drive a Benz I’m not going home with you. You won’t get no ‘nookie’[12] or the ‘cookies.’[13] I’m no rookie.” Similar to Hill’s character, the man tries to impress the woman with his material wealth and status. He feels that because he drives a Mercedes Benz the woman will be impressed, and thus she will give herself to him. However, she shoots him down informing him that she’s not impressed with his material possessions. His car is not worth losing her virginity. Her focus and priority is to remain pure, and not give in to the material and flesh.  
Musurillo illustrates similarly the importance of women remaining vigilant and protective of their bodies, becoming pleasing to God. Musurillo posits, “Thus, as blessed Paul says, the unmarried woman thinketh on the things of the Lord, how she may please God, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit.”[14] Musurillo’s warning for women to be mindful of their thoughts relates to Ciara’s character. She doesn’t fall prey to the man, as she is firmly rooted in maintaining the holiness of her body and spirit, and in pleasing God. She is not thinking about the man or his material possessions.
Finally, Ciara chimes in creative prose, “You’re insinuating that I’m hot. But these goodies boy are not. No you can’t call me later. And I don’t want your number. I’m not changin’ stories. Just respect the play I’m callin.’” Regardless of her suitor’s pursuit, and his suggestion that she may be lusting for him, she firmly redirects him and his attempts in trying to persuade her to have sex with him. Furthermore, she is not willing to maintain contact with him because she is aware that if she accepts his number, it could lead to temptation.
Comparably, Musurillo’s shares how difficult it is to practice chastity, but if they are faithful and strong they can resist temptation. Musurillo posits, “Chastity is rare indeed among humankind, and a goal difficult of attainment; it involves greater risks precisely because of its excellence and magnificence. Hence it demands strong and generous natures, that can completely divert the stream of sensuality and guide aloft the chariot of their soul, straight and up and up, never losing sight of their goal – until, leaping easily over the world with the lightening speed of thought, they stand upon the very vault of heaven and gaze directly upon Immortality itself as it wells up from the pure bosom of the Almighty.”[15]
Both Hill’s and Ciara’s vibrant storytelling are cautionary tales for women on preserving their virginity. They show the potential downfall for women who are not virtuous and pure, as well as the rewards for those who remain pure and holy, protecting themselves and being vigilant over their bodies. Hill’s illustration shows how easy it is to become a victim of outside influences when women are not in alignment with practicing Christian asceticism, while Ciara shows empowerment and pride for women maintaining their virginity. Ultimately, both artists teach women to be mindful in not losing control over their bodily desires, and succumbing to material and societal pressures. In upholding the Christian asceticism of virginity women can be honorable and live righteously, thus, becoming pleasing to God.


[1] Irvin, Dale T. & Sunquist, Scott W., History of the World Christian Movement (New York: Orbis Books, 2001) p. 142.
[2] Irvin, History of the World Christian Movement p. 142
[3] ‘Hit it’ – urban slang/vernacular meaning engaging in sexual intercourse. 
[4] ‘Benjamins’ – urban slang/vernacular meaning money, particularly with reference to the one hundred dollar bill with Benjamin Franklin’s face on the bill, thus, the term “Benjamins.”
[5] ‘Trim’ – urban slang/vernacular pertaining to a woman’s genitalia.
[6] Irvin, History of the World Christian Movement p. 142
[7] “Talking out your neck” – urban slang/vernacular meaning trifling and frivolous.
[8] Irvin, History of the World Christian Movement p. 142.
[9] ‘Goodies’ – urban slang/vernacular referring to a woman’s genitalia.
[10] Musurillo, Herbert, S.J., D. Phil. (Oxon.), St. Methodius: The Symposium A Treatise On Chastity; Ancient Christian Writers: The Works of the Fathers in Translation (London: The Newman Press, 1958) p. 43.
[11]Musurillo, St. Methodius: The Symposium A Treatise On Chastity p. 41.
[12] ‘Nookie’ – urban slang/vernacular for sex or sexual relations.
[13] ‘Cookies’ – urban slang/vernacular for a woman’s genitalia.
[14] Musurillo, The Symposium A Treatise On Chastity p. 43.

[15] Musurillo, The Symposium A Treatise On Chastity p. 42.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2013!


Happy New Year! 

Make 2013 God above all, great, abundant, joyous, happy, loving, gracious, spirit-filled, prosperous, sexy, and phenomenal!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Today Is, "Straight From Your Gay Best Friend" Advice Day With Bossip...


Dear Bossip,

My story is complicated, but I believe you can help.

I was always a hustler, but my passion has been music and the entertainment industry. While trying to get my music off the ground I had to have more than a regular job income. So, I have never held a job, but I always had money. My wife has been with me from the beginning – you could almost say high school sweethearts – and I always did everything I could to make her happy and take care of our kids. She would encourage me to get a job here and there and I’d listen for a second, but the money and things I would bring home would quiet the conversation. I would get little jobs here and there, but the money I got on the street was so much more and faster that I never stuck it out.

We lived a good life up until a few years ago when one of the things I was involved in caught up to me and we lost our house in a police raid. She had to go stay with her family and I stayed with mine while I had to pay lawyers to stay out of jail. While we were separated she started dating and going out with other people. I didn’t at first – and we went back and forth with each other for a long time, but she would always stop herself from coming all the way back to me. We had talked divorce numerous times but she never would go file. Every time the subject came up she would say she was going to do it. We are coming up on being separated for 2 years and she just recently went out of town on a plane with the guy she is seeing now. I went and filed after that, but ultimately I don’t think that is what I want. The women I have been seeing are not what I really want, but part of me feels like I need to move on. So what’s my next move? We have two beautiful kids and I didn’t want to put them through this. I would love to put it all back together. What do I do? – Hustler Trying To Do Right

You can read my response, HERE: 
http://bossip.com/613029/dear-bossip-i-was-hustling-but-lost-everything-including-my-wife-after-2-years-i-want-her-back/ 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Today Is, "Straight From Your Gay Best Friend" Advice Day With Bossip...


Dear Bossip,

I’m a 24-year old newly divorced single mom.

I’m in the military and living off-post. Eight months ago a new couple moved next door to us (my husband and I before the divorce). My neighbor is 20-years old and his wife is 37-years old. They seemed cool so we started doing couple dates and hanging out and stuff. Me and her became closer over the months, but things between me and my hubby got bad, and she and her husband began to separate as well.

My husband left me and my son soon after, and it was long overdue. I was so happy for my newly found freedom. Then, my neighbor tried talking to me about what he and his wife were going through. I denied him several times until I noticed we were both going through similar problems. They met when while she was teaching at his school and he was 15-years old at the time when they started dating. Now, he wants to divorce her and she won’t have it. The more we talked, the more we see to have in common. My son absolutely loves him, seriously. And, he wants to be with me and my son so badly. But, I am feeling really badly for having feelings for him when I have been cool with his wife. I don’t want to hurt her by ‘betraying’ her. They haven’t been married a year yet, but she clearly doesn’t want the divorce and he is trying. What do I do? – Confused Love

You can read my response, HERE:
http://bossip.com/610055/dear-bossip-they-havent-been-married-a-year-yet-ive-developed-feelings-for-my-20-year-old-neighbor/#.T_13PdvrpA4.facebook 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

My Open Letter to Frank Ocean:



Most recently, ODD Future singer, Frank Ocean, did the unthinkable. In an open letter on his Tumblr page Frank Ocean came out of the closet and revealed the details about his first love which happened to be for another man. “4 summers ago, I met somebody,” he wrote. “I was 19 years old. He was too. We spent that summer, and the summer after, together. By the time I realized I was in love, it was malignant. It was hopeless. There was no escaping, no negotiating with the feeling.  No choice. It was my first love, it changed my life.”

You can read his compelling letter on his website, HERE!

Frank Ocean has truly done something brave and brazen, especially in the homophobic landscape of Hip Hop.

Best-selling author, Terrance Dean, who wrote about down low and gay celebrities in his memoir, “Hiding In Hip Hop,” has penned an open letter thanking Frank Ocean on his courage to stand up and be proud.

Read below:

An open letter to Frank Ocean:

Over the course of the past few days I read on the blogs, and saw a few tweets chattering about an R&B artist coming out. Your name surfaced, along with an interview you did overseas, and then you wrote on Tumblr about a relationship you had four years ago with a young man. You shared how it changed your life, and how that young man was your first love.

Initially, when I first heard the news about an R&B artist coming out I wasn’t moved. I actually thought it was a hoax created by someone. As we all know how well internet gossip fuels outings, pre-mature deaths, and other lies about celebrities. So, I dismissed it. I was waiting for you, or your publicist, to issue their pre-made ready-to-go written statement For Artists Who Are Considered Gay When The Rainbow Is Not Enuff:  “I am not gay. I am a heterosexual man, and I love women.” However, that didn’t happen. You actually responded to your legion of fans, and the world, by announcing your love and declaration affirming yourself in a new era Hip Hop world that is drifting toward a new normal that is no longer filled with the hetero masculine machismo that despises homosexuality.

You can read the entire letter, HERE:
http://bossip.com/607808/a-lil-positivity-author-terrance-dean-pens-heartfelt-open-letter-to-frank-ocean/

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Today Is, "Straight From Your Gay Best Friend" Advice Day With Bossip...


Dear Bossip,

I need help. I met this guy maybe a two and a half years ago and fell deeply for him.

We did everything together, and everything was going great until we broke up some time last year after I found out about him still seeing his baby mama. Now, from the beginning I knew of her and their past, and I had no problem with being second to his children. But, I refuse to be second to some woman, so I left. But, now after some time apart, I still think of him almost every day and I’m still madly in love with him. I tried my best to avoid any contact with him because he hurt me. But, after some time apart I began to date a new guy and I’m not happy and want out, however, I found out that I’m currently pregnant. Now, here is where my problems come in, my ex keeps popping up in my life and I kind of wanna see if now we can make things work. What should I do? Confused Heart

You can read my response, HERE:
http://bossip.com/607693/dear-bossip-me-my-boyfriend-are-expecting-but-my-ex-is-in-the-picture-and-i-want-him-back/ 

Friday, June 29, 2012

Today Is, "Straight From Your Gay Best Friend" Advice Day With Bossip...


Dear Bossip,

OK, I’ve been in a relationship with a man for almost 4 years.

We met when I was 21 and he was 22-years old. We have been together ever since. We moved together at age 23 because he was deploying and we wanted to spend the last few months together. I agreed to move 7 hours away from my home to be with him since he got stationed somewhere else. We stayed together for about the last 5 months that he was in the states. Once he deployed, I moved back home to continue school.

All throughout his deployment he called me almost every day he sent me money whenever I needed it. He basically took care of me during his whole deployment because I didn’t have a job since I quit my job to move with him for those few months. Before I moved with him I found his deployment papers and I saw that he had a dependent on it and it stated WIFE. Me being the idiot that I was I confronted him about it and he told me he was divorced and that they didn’t correct his info yet. I believed him.

So, months after that, and he had been deployed for 7 months, he came back and spent some R&R with me. We flew to his home and I met his family and everything. He had already met mine. He went back to finish his deployment for the next 6 months and throughout that time his mail was coming to my house. And, yeah, I opened some. He filled out his taxes and I saw that he was married and filled separately. Another RED flag. I didn’t ask him about it because with him being in the line of fire every day, I know that’s something soldiers don’t need to go through while there are going through killings and deaths every day.

I waited until he came back from deployment. It slipped my mind once he came back because I was blinded with all of the gifts and good treatment he gave me. I felt like a queen. He came back and drove 3 hours to see me every week because I moved to the ATL to be closer to him and finish school. Every week he was there to see me or I was at his apartment. About 6 months after he was back, we decided that I should move back in with him and transfer schools. I agreed and moved in, but I didn’t transfer schools yet.

About after 2 months I remembered the married situation. I found more papers saying he was still married and they were all dated as recent. Turns out that his entire family knew he was still married, but kept that secret away from me. I confronted him and he finally told me when I was about to leave that he was married and that he lied about it because he didn’t want to lose me. He told me he hasn’t seen his wife in almost 5 years. He then went to show me his divorce papers he had filled a few days before I confronted him about it.

I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it because I was so embarrassed about the situation. I didn’t want anyone to know about it. Now, I’m still here living with him and it’s been about 6 months since he showed me the papers. It seems as if he’s not putting any effort in trying to get divorced and it’s making me feel like I don’t need to be in this position. Every day I’m out with him I know that I’m holding the hand of a married man. He’s not my man, he’s someone else’s.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be as committed to him as I am because it’s just not right. I know there has been some unfaithful things done to me during these years and I have done some unfaithful things to him to get back at him, Which has happened when we were about 23 and 24 years old. We are 25 and 26 now. I can tell now that he’s changed and I have changed as well. I know right now that he loves me more than I love him. I don’t feel the way I used to feel about him because I think he’s lying to me about everything since he’s lied to me for all of these years. Am I trippin????

The more time goes on, I think I’m falling out of love and it seems he’s more in love with me as time goes on. If I didn’t think he was lying to me all the time I wouldn’t feel this way about him. This divorce thing hasn’t moved since it started. I just feel wrong for staying with him. Please tell me what to do. This is a man that tells me he loves me every 5 minutes. He does crazy things for me that let’s me know he loves me, but once all of that is done I think about the fact that he’s still married. I don’t think it’s right for me to love a married man. I keep thinking about the fact that he’s lied to me for all of these years about not being married. It makes me not trust him at all. I’m too much of a good person and a good girlfriend to feel this way. I just think it’s wrong of me to stay with someone else’s husband.

I’m still embarrassed about it so none of my friends or family knows about this. All everyone sees is a very cute and happy couple. I don’t go out much because he doesn’t want me around other guys. So, sometimes I’ll sneak out with my girls, but I start to think, “Why am I sneaking? We aren’t married.” He doesn’t go out because he knows I don’t trust him like that. I used to go out with my girls and he went out with his boys and we would meet up afterwards and go home. He showed me once that he could “F” up a good thing by getting numbers because his boys were doing it, so since then, I didn’t trust him. That was when he was 24 and I was 23 years old.

I was a good girlfriend so that changed me a little. I didn’t trust him since then to let him go out so he trips when I want to go out. Now that we are older, he says he doesn’t want to go out. He feels that clubs are for single people and he doesn’t have the urge to do it. I still want to go out and have fun with my girls SOMETIMES not all the time like I used to. I’m starting to feel like I don’t owe him –ish, so I can do what I want because he’s married and I’m not. Am I wrong?

He’s about to deploy again in September of this year, so I got my apartment back and I’m back and forth between his apartment and mine in ATL because I’m finishing school. I have school two days a week and stay at my place during those days and I’m at his place on my days off or he’s at my place on his days off. So, we pretty much see each other 5 days out of the week. I’m afraid of where I will stand in this relationship once he leaves again. I’m falling out of love and my mind has become more reckless because of my thoughts on me being so faithful and the fact that he’s still married and I think he’s a liar.

I’m having trouble with myself because he was my first. I lost my virginity to him and with me feeling like I shouldn’t be so faithful to him. My mind wonders from time to time about other men. I can be faithful, but sometime I wonder why should I be. With the men that approach me daily and I continuously say no, I’m having second thoughts. I’m starting to feel like I need to get out and have that fun that I never had. (Not only sex). My friends make it seem like they are having so much fun doing the things that I can’t since I’m in a committed relationship. Me feeling the way I am is causing me to go crazy. I just need some advice. Should I or should I not stay? I’ve given him lots of time to get this marriage thing situated and I’m working on trusting him again. – Over It And Him

You can read my response, HERE: 
http://bossip.com/605905/dear-bossip-weve-been-dating-4-years-lived-together-but-ive-learned-hes-been-married-all-this-time/ 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Today Is, "Straight From Your Gay Best Friend" Advice Day With Bossip....


Dear Bossip,

First and for most, let me start of by acknowledging the books you have wrote. I enjoyed them.

In addition to your books; I take pleasure in reading your response to articles on Bossip. The straight forwardness you have when convey your message. So, let me get to my question. I would like to know if I have come across an undercover brotha. I have known him for two years, and now we are both in the military. He has been deployed and so fourth. So, now that we’re stationed in the same area we have been seeing each other more. I refuse to commit to him because he is a ladies’ man and his past sends me red flags. So, why not have little fun here in there and on my terms.

However, he has always voiced to me that he wants to be more than just a friend, and he stopped talking to me for little while because I won’t commit. My point to him, show me you have moved on from your past then we can talk. He has yet to fully show me, but he did introduce to his baby mama brother. So, I don’t know if that was an effort, but it was not good enough for me.

Now, I have an even BIGGER issue. The other day when I was over his place, and I was bored and started snooping on his lap top. Well, I came across some “He/She” Pr0n, and Gay pr0n. Also, he had some Transgenders on there too. So, that got me to thinking. He does have all female friends with the exception of his brother, cousin and a couple of home boys. Initially, I contributed that to him being a ladies’ man. Then I got to thinking, what straight man would have gay porn and Transgenders on his PC? Also, he always wears colored rubber bands when he is regular clothes. All this is running through my mind.

So, the next day we meet have lunch and I asked him to walk and talk with me afterwards. I brought it to his attention what I found and asked if he considered himself bisexual or gay. His response baffled me. He said, “I’m gay,” and quickly retracted his statement. He said, “No, I’m not gay, honestly.” I then proceeded to ask him that if he wasn’t then why he is so calm and his reaction seemed more like he was ashamed and then mad. Like, wouldn’t a straight man be offended that I questioned his sexuality??? So, Terrance, am I reading too deep into what I found and the way he responded. I have not spoken to him since because I feel disgusted and that he didn’t take my feelings into consideration if that may be the case. Also, besides my finding are there signs if you are dealing with a undercover brotha? – For Future Reference

You can read my response, HERE: http://bossip.com/605350/dear-bossip-i-asked-my-man-if-he-was-gay-because-of-some-things-i-found-he-said-yes-but-retracted/

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Today Is, "Straight From Your Gay Best Friend" Advice Day With Bossip...


Dear Bossip,

Mr. Terrance Dean! First, let me start by saying you are the bomb! Your advice is too real!

It’s my turn to feel you!! Here goes nothing!

I’ve been with my boyfriend on an off for 13 years. We have no children together, but he has 3 children from 3 different women. He wants me to trust him and be in a committed relationship, but I can’t find it in my heart to believe him. My boyfriend had his first child when I was 4 months pregnant when he told me. I stressed myself out and miscarried. I moved to Atlanta for 2 years to clear my head from him.

Within one year of living in Atlanta we still kept in contact and I found about his 2nd child from a different girl. I moved back to our home town, and we worked things out. We recently moved in together and I found out about his 3rd child that he didn’t tell me about, when I asked him about it he says the child is two years old and the reason he didn’t tell me is because he didn’t know when the time would be right to tell me. So, he has 3 daughters ages 5, 4, and 2 years old. All of the baby mother’s are seeking child support payments from him. He claims he is not with this ghetto stuff and he could care less about being on child support, he wants nothing to do with any of the mothers.

He tells me all the time I need to trust him and that he has changed. He says that he is not doing anything with any other women, and that he is done hurting me. He tells me all the time my insecurities are hurting our relationship. But, I still cannot trust him. When his phone rings I think it’s another woman. When he leaves the house I think he’s going to make another baby. I don’t know how to get over this hurtle. Help me please! – Lost and confused

You can read my response, HERE:
http://bossip.com/604005/dear-bossip-hes-had-3-children-with-3-different-women-during-our-13-years-of-dating/

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Today Is, "Straight From Your Gay Best Friend" Advice Day With Bossip...


Dear Bossip,

Ok, I know you get tons of e-mails from people like me all the time, but I’m in serious despair.

Plus, I will continue to e-mail you till you respond. LOL!

Ok, so I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month now. He is awesome. We have a lot in common. He’s goal-orientated. He is already pretty set in his career. He’s actually the only producer I know actually producing and getting paid for it in advance, and he plays in a band and actually gets paid for it. We have great conversations and he is very consistent. He does exactly what he says he is going to do. We go out and we hang.  And, on Sundays he takes my children and I out. He wants to be a part of our lives and is interested in being in a relationship with me and building a future with us. We get along great. We goof off and I can talk to him about anything with no judgments imposed.

But, the bad thing is that he isn’t what I’m looking for when it comes to looks. He is overweight, but that doesn’t bother me. He is sloppy with his dressing and that does bother me. But, he treats me and my children like freaking royalty. He is always making sure I’m ok before he makes any plans that might interrupt my plans. For example, I’m car-less right now and he lets me use his car for errands and such.
In some ways I feel like I’m being shallow because he really is a good man. I just don’t want to get caught up in what he can do for me and what he does do for me, or his income. I really want to get to know him as a person. Sometimes I just feel like I’m settling because I’m just not 100% attracted to him. I gave him a chance because I was keeping an open mind and honestly didn’t expect for it to go this far.  He is very needy. He wants attention a lot, and he kisses a lot.

I’ve always wanted a guy like this, but maybe it’s him. Ugh! I feel like I’m settling, but he isn’t. I don’t mean to toot my horn, but toot toot. I’m an attractive female with a very good shape. I workout everyday and I have a lot going on for myself. I feel like I have a good leveled head on my shoulders, so I think he’s winning right now. He’s even mentioned that he feels weird because he is talking to a girl like me and he feels bad. He has even been going to the gym everyday for a week now and keeping up with his grooming. Basically, what I wanna know is if I’m just being a shallow person, or if I should consider weighing out my options.

I have never met a guy like him and to be honest I’m 25-years old with 2 little girls and most guys just wanna be with me because of my looks and just wanna have sex (good looking guys). And, the ugly guys are just happy to be with a good-looking girl like me (their words). I’m just confused. I think he is awesome, but I’m honestly hoping I can find a guy just like him, but more attractive. Please help! I need an unbiased opinion. I have dated losers in the past and I want my girls to have a father figure, but I don’t want to settle help! – Little Ms. Shallow

You can read my response, HERE:
http://bossip.com/601431/dear-bossip-hes-everything-i-want-in-a-guy-but-im-turned-off-because-hes-unattractive-overweight/